Day 36 : Dominic's Tree Hill (Season 1 Finale)

My dearest babes,

When you said you've been waiting for time to heal, were you waiting just for time to pass or did you want for it to heal? The bitter past cannot just pass without you making an effort to forget. If you should make that effort let it be genuine and not an act of ignorance. You of all people should know, ignorance is NOT bliss.

Randomly I would get sms-es from you and maybe in your intentions they were to search for light. When you did so, you wanted a friend to bring you back to ground, I was probably the choice cause I was always there. And if a friend was what you wanted to be in the very very first place, why did you not draw the line when I first gave you the hint, to wait for my return? I would have and could have had been just a friend. Why did you hold my hand when 'Home' played over the PA? As much as it was amazing knowing that I'd receive a call and an sms of you suddenly, now that I know it was all because you needed someone to be there for you, it hurts just having those thoughts of how happy I'd be, how seeing your name appear on my phone just lights up my day. For those moments in time, I recalled how happiness with you feels like. That's probably one of the main reasons why I still love you, and how I always will. Though a glimpse; I cherish it till this day.

As much as it is difficult for you to forget him, it is the same for me. You say this life is meant for so much more, what life would you want; a life of happiness or a life of meaning? I know I'm choosing a life in preparation for the next happiness and meaning would not matter if I wasn't ready for the next. Despite countless efforts to tell me to forget 'us' ever happened, here I am still here for you. Is that not obvious enough? And I've always been, all you had to do / have to do is talk to me and tell me what's on your mind.

It's not that you don't know what you want. You know you want to move on, and when I came by it was the best opportunity for you to move on. Continued waiting for the right person to come by would not just happen that way if you just sit and wait and feel remorsed about the matter. Apart from suiting your plans, yours must suit his too. If it doesn't eventually you'll end up back at square one. Asking yourself, "What If" "If Only"

Healing is partly time, partly ourselves but the major part of healing comes from above; thus prayer that you'll refrain from the things you've set your mind on. Things you've told yourself 'I wouldn't do it anymore'.

Daryl once said to me, 'Bro, whatever, whoever, wherever your decisions are. We'll be here to pick up the broken pieces.'

The people that love me and support me and pick up my broken pieces will always be here cause He knows I am weak. I am no one if He hadn't place them in my life. I am not lucky to meet them, I am blessed because I have them. You too have such blessings it's whether you want to accept them or not. I'm coming to learn to accept them bit by bit. And I too make mistakes, sometimes baseless, at times based on wrong thoughts but most of the time letting the wrong side of me take control.

They come in many many forms, and sometimes they let you down and you'd feel discouraged, bitter, angry but what character would you have if you did not allow them to be in your life in the first place? If life on earth was full of happiness, I wouldn't want to live here, cause it will be too good to be true. I'd be in heaven by then. What point is there to happiness if you're not sad? You would not be able to enjoy it. What point is there to meaning if you've not felt useless? But there is a point if your character is tested, cause it will only get better once you realise it.

I love you and it has never changed. There has been, and will be others. But you'll always be here no matter what. The thing is will you ever come to live with it? That's another story to tell altogether.

I always thought I could make a change in this world and I saw myself making the changes through someone I would spend the rest of my life loving. She was you. It dawned on me recently, that being with you was not about changing you but accepting you as you are. If changes were to be made, they would have to be done together. Invalid would be the term if you did not want a part in that change. I've come to accept and live that now, FINALLY.

My apologies if i came out too forward with my thoughts. The main reason I'm doing this via blogging is not because I want publication to how things are, it's because you've got to decide on your own what you want. I don't want to be there when you decide for knowing you, it wouldn't be you deciding rather me. I pray and hope you make this change on your own and you will for it to happen. When you've done so, let me know. I'll be here.

Dominic.

Day 35 : The Day You Left

The day you left you took every part of me and left me stranded aimlessly without desire, without passions, without emotions. I felt like the bones after all its meat has been ripped off, I felt like a dish, after it was done with, left aside to be swept away by the hands of strangers. I felt meaningless.

The day you left, I watched all my dreams and thoughts of us smashed right in front of me, it was how I got to know how karma had its way with things. Now broken and applauded for all the wrongs I did, I stood amidst the lives of many soulless, like a stone; still in time, movable by none.

The day you left I saw all those around me held my head up high and shared the darkness with me. They; like how they've always been; were angels who emersed from the crowded light. Bit by bit, they gave me my life back again, without them I would have lost all hope in being here today, without them I would have stayed remorsed.

The day you left, my mum saw the pain in her child's eyes and said, "My dear son, for all the times you've rushed yourself and things, still I saw you loved her very very much. My dear son, for all the things you've done, and for what you're going through now, is it worth it?". The very next week they sent me paid for my holiday. The things they put up with everyday and how they lived for me, I cannot even begin to describe.

The day you left I was given the opportunities to look around me and notice the wonders of life, the tears shed by the world for it's many sins, but most of all, was how under-appreciative I've been. My life has been graced with so many wonderful aspects that I had forgotten my main source of strength. Blurred by my earthly desires, drenched in my passions of the flesh I strayed. But yet He still sustained my very being day and night; till this moment.

The day you left was never easy and even now sometimes it hurts so badly knowing something beautiful would have, could have and should have been. But it was from the day you left that I learnt to turn my vengeance into new-found happiness, my pain into enlightened appreciation, my torment into a driven purpose, my hatred into forgiveness, my unwillingness to experience into imbued strength, courage and wisdom and most of all my dark heart into one who's ready yet again. It's been a year since you left babes, and the scars are there as proof that I'm hurt but without them I would have never been the man I am today. Thank you.

'We all make mistakes, and often people are judged by those mistakes. I believe the true measure of a person lies in his or her willingness to right the wrongs.'

- Denny Crane -