I received a card recently and the last part went,
'p/s: It's time for some new year resolutions, eh?'
It made me think. Where do I go from here? What am I to do with this year? Will bitter occurences repeat itself? Thing is, what will I be going through this year?
Then it dawned on me, it's not about what I'm going to go through but how I am going to decide on the things that come my way. It's not about who but when. It's not about how much or how long but how hard I am willing to work. I can't and I won't have a long list of New Year resolutions to accomplish this year, but I have one;
- To give my best in all I do -
The thing is I never got to see the whole picture, at instances, focus will be directed to the wrong parts or well at least major parts of my life. What hit me the hardest was that, there is never a stage when I was happy. Solely happy because everything went well. No. Issues concerning finances, the love life, family, studies : they all did not go well at 1 point in time. It's been what I've been trying to attain for the past 8 years of my life.
Finally, after everything, I now find happiness in all I do. In all the trials and tribulations and letdowns, I see His saving light. Be it in the people around me, or the thoughts that come my way, even a simple 'Grrrrrr...!' makes my day. It's true I am dependent on people, I have to admit that, but I see this world as symbiotic. No one man is an island.
I lost love this year. TWICE!~ w00t (ok to be fair, once. second time was more of missing out on the chance of a lifetime). Amidst the heartache and fucking sorrow and thoughts of wanting to be together, I found out that if it were to work out, it will eventually. Circumstances? Timing? Obligations? Responsibilities? Loose ends? I don't know. Whatever it is, it's all good. Best part about it, the emptiness I constantly feel, is replenished by the friendships I've forged, the lost contacts I've regained and more importantly the new acquaintances I've been honored with.
This year shines brightly on 2 things.
1) Endless work
2) Uncharted waters
Be it good or bad, with His strength, courage and wisdom, I am ready.
I cannot change the fact that my heart feels cold sometimes, my scars are there as proof.
I cannot change the fact that my mind tells me things of the future, it's in me to think and plan.
I cannot change the fact that I'm old fashioned with ways; I was brought up to honor a woman's worth. ( and don't for once think that I'm fucking plan B. I can only be THE plan you conniving bitches )
I cannot change the fact that I'm bitter at times with things; like how you look out for yourself, I'm merely looking out for me.
I cannot change the fact that my life is occupied with a lot of work; I have to accomplish my dreams and pick up the responsibilities of a son.
I cannot change the fact that I visit my past too often; it was from there I gained my insights, revelations on life, attained new heights, and learnt most of all to live the moments that come by.
I cannot change the fact that my friends are important to me; they are my brothers.
I cannot change the fact that I fall over and over again; the moment you say no, is the moment I move on.
Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.
