Roots and Wings

Day 50 : Home is where the heart is.

2010-07-10T09:40:00.000-07:00

With this final post, i end this chapter of my life. The one where darkness took control over a life that was meant to be beautiful, lively, compassionate, selfless and more importantly God-loving.

I've learnt the most important thing in my life to date:-

"You can't have both roots and wings."

Goodbye.

Day 49 : I wish this could last forever

2008-08-02T08:55:00.000-07:00

A thousand times I've seen you standing
Gravity like lunar landing
You make me wanna run till I find you
I shut the world away from here
I drift to you, you're all I hear
As everything we know fades to black

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But,love remains the same

I find a place where we escape
Take you with me for the space
The city buzz sounds just like a fridge
I walk the streets through seven bars
I have to find just where you are
The faces seem to blur
They're all the same

Half the time the world is ending
Truth is I am done pretending
I never thought that I Had anymore to give
You're pushing me so far
Here I am without you
Drink to all that we have lost
Mistakes we have made
Everything will change
But love remains the same

So much more to say
So much to be done
Don't you trick me out
We shall overcome
It's all left still to play

We could have had the sun
Could have been inside
Instead we're over here

I, oh I, I wish this could last forever
I, oh I, as if this could last forever
Love remains the same
Love remains the same

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 48 : One Night Only

2008-06-30T03:55:00.000-07:00

Often do we find ourselves having trouble with life, and often do we find ourselves complaining. This post relates to the happiness that still exists, that dreams and wishes do come true. Last weekend provided for me and the basement crew, as well as the mates in Kuching a fabolous night.

Time that reminded us of the many other times.

We talked, we laughed, we sang and we cried. To me, the highlight and peak of this whole weekend was when Ake strummed "Why" and Su blew us away by her vocals.

I was reminded of the past instantaneously. Those days where we sat in the basement, with a beer in one hand and a compromised cigarette in the other, listening to music played from the heart. Music played to ease the pain; music to inspire.

I've waited 2 1/2 years for the moment that I could hear "Why" one more time. All the longing and waiting was well worth the wait.

The weekend made me realise that though time has passed us, there was once a period in time, where individuals came together over beers, talked, played music and weathered through the stormy weather and sunny skies. That at one point in time, where I was wading through the darkness, there were people who stood by me and walked with me. That now, when reality kicks in, I can still reminisce together with them.

Lau, Tong, Boon, Ake, G and Su. Thank you for the amazing weekend. Thank you for reminding me once more.

Though for one night only, just know this weekend lives forever in my memory.

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 47 : Dream Catch Me

2008-06-29T23:01:00.000-07:00

I was honoured to meet Yoke Mei last weekend. In that light, my thoughts I pen down below.

It was first your eyes that caught me,
Those eyes that would pierce the soul of a man and yet,
eyes that could calm a storm.

Then it was your laugh that drawed me near,
Starting lightly, softer than a summer's breeze; sweet,
Uplifting.

Came the conversations that made me believe again.
Conversations that brought perspective, and conversations that carried honesty with them and more importantly, conversations that made the difference.

Then it was full blown when you held Ryan, leaving me awed.
The way you care for him, provoked within me a different level of responsibility,
And it showed me how amazing you are.
Amidst the painful past and trying times, you've become a beacon of light to me.

I thank God that I have friends who actually saw you'll make a difference for the better.
I thank God that I had to go through everything in my life, meeting you made it all worthwhile.
I thank God we're friends.
And I would thank your mother for giving birth to you, if it's okay with you.

My dreams caught me when I met you.

Listen to this:
1) Newton Faulkner - Dream Catch Me
2) Rihanna - Take A Bow
3) One Republic - Stop & Stare
4) Click Five - Empty
5) The Basement Crew - Why

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 46 : Random Notes

2008-01-06T03:48:00.000-08:00

I'm done crying my heart out wishing you were here with me.
I'm done holding on to the painful past.
I'm done hanging on to all these baseles thoughts.
I'm done loving you knowing I'm just another one of those guys you knew.
I'm done wishing those lips would stay mine forever.
I'm done dreaming of those times we would see ourselves old and grey.
I'm done wanting you to be the mother of our children.
I'm done feeling jaded.
I'm done lamenting the mistakes I thought made the difference.
I'm done grasping for you like how I do each and every breath.
I'm done cradling your painful moments and making them my own.
I'm done missing you.

Listen to this:
1) Kelly Clarkson - Sober
2) Sheila on 7 - Dan
3) The Red Jumpsuit Apparatus - Your Guardian Angel
4) Secondhand Serenade - Your Call
5) Colbie Caillat - Bubbly

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 45 : Goodbye My Almost Lover

2007-10-08T23:29:00.000-07:00

So Ho told me about this song...and I think it really applies to a few souls that I know. Haven't been active with them posts and all due to the travelling nature of my job. Bangkok was amazing, would update when it seems fit. Back to the song, it's called 'Almost Lover by A Fine Frenzy'. Below are the lyrics and I hope you guys can come to understand it the way I do. =D

Your fingertips across my skin
The palm trees swaying in the wind
Images
You sang me Spanish lullabies
The sweetest sadness in your eyes
Clever trick

Well, I never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

We walked along a crowded street
You took my hand and danced with me
Images
And when you left, you kissed my lips
You told me you would never, ever forget
These images
Well, I'd never want to see you unhappy
I thought you'd want the same for me

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

I cannot go to the ocean I
cannot drive the streets at night
I cannot wake up in the morning
Without you on my mind
So you're gone and I'm haunted
And I bet you are just fine
Did I make it that
Easy to walk right in and out
Of my life?

Goodbye, my almost lover
Goodbye, my hopeless dream
I'm trying not to think about you
Can't you just let me be?
So long, my luckless romance
My back is turned on you
Should've known you'd bring me heartache
Almost lovers always do

Day 44 : You

2007-07-25T01:06:00.000-07:00

You...

When I think of you, so many emotions run through my mind.

When I don't hear from you, so many concerns tear at me.

Like a mighty waterfall, fierce and thundering a deafening roar - spray enveloping everything around. So am I surrounded by you.

Like a babbling brook, slipping quietly over pebbles gently flowing, gurgling. Such is the peace you give to me.
Like a gentle breeze, cooling a heated brow caressing fevered skin. So you calm my heart.

Like a summer sky, glimmering sun warming the earth shining its light around. So you warm my soul.

Like the birds in the trees, singing their happy songs for all to hear. So your voice cheers me.

Like a rose, petals opening to release it's fragrance. So your smile thrills me.

Like a precious gem, glowing, polished, rare admired by all who see it. So your eyes inspire me.

Like the summer grasses, waving gently in the breeze inviting, fragrant, soft. So you hair invites my touch.

Like a rare parchment, fine and smooth to touch finely woven, a work of art. So your skin delights me.

Like the pulse of Africa, ever present, powerful a phenomenon unseen. So your heart attracts me.

Everything you are
Everything you do
Each act of kindness
Each look
Each touch
Every smile
Every word
All combine to make me love you more each day.

Listen to this:
1) Enrique Iglesias - Do You Know
2) Zhang Xue You - Wang Le Ku
3) Avril Lavigne - When You're Gone
4) Goo Goo Dolls - Before It's Too Late
5) Dashboard Confessionals - Don't Wait

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 43 : Broken

2007-07-25T01:00:00.001-07:00

Lifehouse - Broken

The Broken clock is a comfort
It helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop
From stealing all my time
And I am here still waiting
Though I still have my doubts
I am damaged at best
Like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beating
In the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

The broken locks were a warning
You got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded
I'm an open book instead
And I still see your reflection
Inside of my eyes
That are looking for purpose
They're still looking for life

I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still breatingIn the pain
Is there healing
In your name
I find meaning
So I'm holding on
I'm barely holding on to you

I'm hanging on another day
Just to see what, you will throw my way
And I'm hanging on, to the words you say
You said that I will, will be okay
The broken light on the freeway
Left me here alone
I may have lost my way now
But I haven't forgotten my way home
I'm falling apart
I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart
That's still beatingIn the pain
There is healing
In your name
I find meaning

So I'm holding on
Barely holding on to you
Barely holding on to you

Listen to this:
1) Lifehouse - Disarray
2) Lifehouse - First Time
3) Lifehouse - Whatever It Takes
4) Lifehouse - Who We Are
5) Lifehouse - Broken

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 42 : The Man

2007-07-17T06:13:00.000-07:00

I am the man who's turned 22 and not know what it feels like both living and loving.
I am the man who has seen the tears fall countless times; but never for me.
I am the man who knows how karma can come and bite you back in the ass.
I am the man who learns from my own mistakes.
I am the man who would cheer you own, even though you're in last place.
I am the man who has no siblings, but share in the Oneness of the Family.
I am the man who knows our future lies within our children.
I am the man who knows smoking is bad for me, but can't find the way to tell myself, "LET GO!"
I am the man who tells of many characters and personality but only have few know of my true self.
I am the man who is easily beaten down, and in the same manner, easily lifted up.
I am the man who believes that in each and every one of us, we were meant to do so much more than routine.
I am the man who loves my family and the Family though sometimes it's hard telling them so.
I am the man whose stubbornness lead to my several downfalls.
I am the man who knows when I've made a mistake and lives to share it with others.
I am the man whose ego is only lowered in the presence of the one, but many have come and gone robbing me of it.
I am the man who teaches and learns, watch and observes, listens and hear, sees and look, at my will.
I am the man who has shed so much tears, I wouldn't know when or how to do it anymore.
I am the man whom people know of as Captain Oats.
I am the man whose feelings have to be drawn from its core.
I am the man who hasn't felt love in the longest of times and wishes it comes back once more.
I am the man who knows forgiving is not a matter of time but of believing.
I am the man who believes all is under His care and His love.
I am the man who knows there are so many more things installed in my life.
I am the man who knows how to be proud of every single moment be it good and bad.
I am the man who fell in love with the woman I thought I would spend the rest of my life with.
I am the man who was so close to making my dreams come true with the woman who lied by myside.
I am the man who hasn't met the woman I see from time to time and without me knowing it, falling in love with her.
I am the man who believes I can do all things, for He gives me the strength, wisdom and courage to do so.

Listen to this:
1) Jann Arden - Insensitive
2) Elliot Yamin - Wait For You
3) 30 Seconds From Mars - The Kill
4) Disagree - Crumbs
5) Michael Buble - Everything

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 41 : AirAsia Incidents

2007-06-27T19:10:00.000-07:00

Ok, now the only reason I'm bothered with this is the fact that things like these have been occurring frequently over the past 3 months. It's no fucking joke. The first incident was related to me by my uncle, who fortunately enough, survived the ordeal to live and tell.

This was his documented encouter and I do not know if he obtained any explanations for the scare he went through.

Hi,
Have you ever been in a plane that encountered a sudden cabin decompression that forces the pilot to descend from 35,000 feet above sea level to just 10,000 feet in a matter of minutes?
I went through that experience on a flight from KL to Jakarta just now and believe me, it’s really scary.
I t was about 25 minutes into the flight and I had dozed off. The flight had been 3 hours delayed, taking off at 12.30 a.m. so everyone was pretty woozy.
I awoke to the lady next to me gesticulating for us to put on our masks.
What masks? I looked and saw the cabin ahead decorated with numerous lines of silvery coloured tubes dangling from the overhead ceiling panels and most passengers quickly slipping the elastic straps over their heads and thus donning their yellow coloured masks. Then the announcement came over the p.a. system from presumably, the chief stewardess, “please don your masks” in the most serious sounding tone I had ever heard aboard an airplane.

That was when I started to feel a little concerned.
But there were no masks from the panel immediately above us, for my neighbour and me!
There was a kind of latch on the panel so I thought pressing it would release the darned masks but to no avail, despite frantic and repeated attempts by both the lady and me. We were at a loss! Everyone it seemed was breathing the requisite amount of emergency oxygen except us!!! More frantic pressing on the suspected release button, but still, the trapdoor remained firmly shut and no masks dangled downwards. I pressed the button to summon help, but the stewardesses were all too busy. No one came to our aid for agonizing minutes.

Thoughts raced through my mind; should we immediately get up and look for other seats where masks were available?
And then there was a tap on my left shoulder from the passenger seated behind us, a guy with a shaven head with his mask on, who was holding an extra mask from his panel that he offered to my lady neighbour. You see, there are four masks from each panel, to supply only three passengers, so I suppose the designers had assumed people on a troubled flight would still have the common sense to offer extra masks from their panels to their forward and backward neighbours whose overhead panels remained stubbornly closed. Can one imagine this stuff???

Anyway, I got the idea pretty quickly and noticed that the three guys in front of us had four tubes, so I grapped one free tube without ceremony and donned the damned mask post haste.
Now I had my own mask on and was breathing oxygen, so I looked around. Everyone had a real “this could be it” look on their faces and that was it, it dawned horribly on me. “What’s wrong with this aircraft”, a Boeing 737-300 that had been the very model which had crashed upon landing killing 40 over passengers just about a month ago in a Garuda flight ? Are we all going to die?

“Our Father who art in heaven…….:” “O my God, I am very sorry that I have sinned…..”
I made my peace with my Creator, called on His Son and His blessed Mother and made ready to die, it was surprisingly a rather calming process but then I remembered I did not have a will!!! How would Stephanie get hold of my savings???
And how would Zac be able to deal with my demise like this? O God please let it be quick and painless! Better yet, save this plane and let us live!!!
Then the chief stewardess came over the p.a. system again and said, “If you smell something burning, don’t worry, that’s just the generators used to supply the oxygen you’re breathing”

Really???? I thought that was just a bluff, maybe the darned engines were burning!!!!
And as I breathed from the mask, there was this sound, “whrr…whrr….” It sounded like all of us were asthmatic. For more than an hour this uncertainty droned on……
And then there was the spot of rough weather; which flying at 10,000 feet we could not have avoided; the violent swerving to the left, then to the right, and perhaps the scariest of all, the sudden free falls through who knows how many feet???
So we lumbered on, expecting the worst each moment of the way and finally heard the welcomed ” we will be landing soon”. We clapped then, for the calmness the crew had shown but most importantly, for the fact that we would be walking through Immigrations instead of being identified as body scraps somewhere between Batam and Jakarta.

Philip Aw, 30th April 2007.

Moving onto our second encounter. This happened last Tuesday night, on a flight bound for Kuching from KL. AK5214. A friend of mine who happened to be on board the plane told us that half way through the flight, when the plane was cruising at the strastophere level, he heard loud bangs. Twice. And all of a sudden the plane nose-dived downwards. He thought to himself, "This is it."

Thank goodness the pilot was skilled enough to regain altitude and stabilized the plane. And then it happened again. Cups were flying, stewards were falling on the ground, the mini-trays we have our meals on we banging uncontrollably, people were praying. Everyone was too traumatized to even scream. They managed to gain control of the aircraft and land it safely at KIA.

Best part about it was that AirAsia did not even bother explaining to the passengers what went wrong. Did I mention this was one of the recently purchased Airbus A-320?

AirAsia and what she is doing for the Malaysian public is a wonderful thing. Truly, 'Now Everyone Can Fly'. One of the main reasons is due to their cost-savings at every aspect of their operations. Minimizing as much as they can, for the benefit of the people. Any Tom, Dick and Harry recognizes the many efforts put forth by AirAsia.

However, MAINTENANCE of aircraft carriers should be THE TOP PRIORITY in ensuring the safety and comfort of passengers. When you're talking about lives at stake, who the hell gives a damn about your pricing strategy?!?!?! And even if your maintenance crew is TOP class, at least allow the passengers explanations of why or who or what was the main reason for their life-changing experience on board an AirAsia aircraft.

My uncle and friend, both of whom I am very very grateful for, survived their encounters. AirAsia's track record of casualties has been 100% as far as I am concerned. All I know is that if the matter is not dealt with immediately, and changes/improvements made accordingly, I can only pray for the safety of Malaysians and our tourists whilst flying AirAsia.

Then it'll be 'Fly AirAsia. Now Everyone Can Die.'

Day 40 : The Dawn of A New Age

2007-06-25T23:10:00.000-07:00

I got meself a tattoo. I've always wanted one, frankly speaking. Then Sunday afternoon, while hunting for a PDA, of which Kuching has no decent ones available; I went over to Kuching Tattoo in Saberkas.

Previously I've been telling the artist, that I wanted the Koi on my left arm, then the feller quoted me RM400.00 . After much thought, I passed.

I've kept this picture of my tatt for a very very long time. Told him about it and he opened the laptop, I went to my page and printed it out. Next thing I could remember was me driving to the bank to withdraw money, took a nice crap at Hilton and had the anticipation of a 5 year old while driving back there. Ehehehe.

First draft was off, and when he placed it on my back, it was lopsided. Boh pien. The feller terpaksa draw another one. Waited and waited and finally at 3.50 p.m, the artist asked me,

"You ready? Let's start."

I was expecting excruiciating pain and then the first contact with the needles proved me wrong. It was actually quite ok. The whole thing took about 2 hours ( and I don't doubt for a moment there is pain involved in the whole process; there is: I SHIT YOU NOT) and the after effect feels as though you've had a bad sunburn. Nothing unbearable. But for those wanting / thinking / doubting / still deciding, all you have to do is ask yourself this question;

Do you fear the high-speed drills dentist use?

Best part was before I actually started, my friend A got a call from J.

J : Lu kin to lok?
A: Ah Siang chia.
J : Cho mik lan ane koo.
A: Wa eh peng yu khi siaw hong, chak hua.

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

It's not 'khi siaw hong'. It just happened that everything that day felt right.

Listen to this:

1) Hoku - You First Believed
2) Jersey Ave. - I'll Wait Right Here
3) Amel Larrieux - Make Me Whole
4) Hinder - Better Than Me
5) Jim Brickman feat. Rebecca - Simple Things

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 36 : Dominic's Tree Hill (Season 1 Finale)

2007-03-15T20:15:00.000-07:00

My dearest babes,

When you said you've been waiting for time to heal, were you waiting just for time to pass or did you want for it to heal? The bitter past cannot just pass without you making an effort to forget. If you should make that effort let it be genuine and not an act of ignorance. You of all people should know, ignorance is NOT bliss.

Randomly I would get sms-es from you and maybe in your intentions they were to search for light. When you did so, you wanted a friend to bring you back to ground, I was probably the choice cause I was always there. And if a friend was what you wanted to be in the very very first place, why did you not draw the line when I first gave you the hint, to wait for my return? I would have and could have had been just a friend. Why did you hold my hand when 'Home' played over the PA? As much as it was amazing knowing that I'd receive a call and an sms of you suddenly, now that I know it was all because you needed someone to be there for you, it hurts just having those thoughts of how happy I'd be, how seeing your name appear on my phone just lights up my day. For those moments in time, I recalled how happiness with you feels like. That's probably one of the main reasons why I still love you, and how I always will. Though a glimpse; I cherish it till this day.

As much as it is difficult for you to forget him, it is the same for me. You say this life is meant for so much more, what life would you want; a life of happiness or a life of meaning? I know I'm choosing a life in preparation for the next happiness and meaning would not matter if I wasn't ready for the next. Despite countless efforts to tell me to forget 'us' ever happened, here I am still here for you. Is that not obvious enough? And I've always been, all you had to do / have to do is talk to me and tell me what's on your mind.

It's not that you don't know what you want. You know you want to move on, and when I came by it was the best opportunity for you to move on. Continued waiting for the right person to come by would not just happen that way if you just sit and wait and feel remorsed about the matter. Apart from suiting your plans, yours must suit his too. If it doesn't eventually you'll end up back at square one. Asking yourself, "What If" "If Only"

Healing is partly time, partly ourselves but the major part of healing comes from above; thus prayer that you'll refrain from the things you've set your mind on. Things you've told yourself 'I wouldn't do it anymore'.

Daryl once said to me, 'Bro, whatever, whoever, wherever your decisions are. We'll be here to pick up the broken pieces.'

The people that love me and support me and pick up my broken pieces will always be here cause He knows I am weak. I am no one if He hadn't place them in my life. I am not lucky to meet them, I am blessed because I have them. You too have such blessings it's whether you want to accept them or not. I'm coming to learn to accept them bit by bit. And I too make mistakes, sometimes baseless, at times based on wrong thoughts but most of the time letting the wrong side of me take control.

They come in many many forms, and sometimes they let you down and you'd feel discouraged, bitter, angry but what character would you have if you did not allow them to be in your life in the first place? If life on earth was full of happiness, I wouldn't want to live here, cause it will be too good to be true. I'd be in heaven by then. What point is there to happiness if you're not sad? You would not be able to enjoy it. What point is there to meaning if you've not felt useless? But there is a point if your character is tested, cause it will only get better once you realise it.

I love you and it has never changed. There has been, and will be others. But you'll always be here no matter what. The thing is will you ever come to live with it? That's another story to tell altogether.

I always thought I could make a change in this world and I saw myself making the changes through someone I would spend the rest of my life loving. She was you. It dawned on me recently, that being with you was not about changing you but accepting you as you are. If changes were to be made, they would have to be done together. Invalid would be the term if you did not want a part in that change. I've come to accept and live that now, FINALLY.

My apologies if i came out too forward with my thoughts. The main reason I'm doing this via blogging is not because I want publication to how things are, it's because you've got to decide on your own what you want. I don't want to be there when you decide for knowing you, it wouldn't be you deciding rather me. I pray and hope you make this change on your own and you will for it to happen. When you've done so, let me know. I'll be here.

Dominic.

Day 35 : The Day You Left

2007-03-03T20:18:00.000-08:00

The day you left you took every part of me and left me stranded aimlessly without desire, without passions, without emotions. I felt like the bones after all its meat has been ripped off, I felt like a dish, after it was done with, left aside to be swept away by the hands of strangers. I felt meaningless.

The day you left, I watched all my dreams and thoughts of us smashed right in front of me, it was how I got to know how karma had its way with things. Now broken and applauded for all the wrongs I did, I stood amidst the lives of many soulless, like a stone; still in time, movable by none.

The day you left I saw all those around me held my head up high and shared the darkness with me. They; like how they've always been; were angels who emersed from the crowded light. Bit by bit, they gave me my life back again, without them I would have lost all hope in being here today, without them I would have stayed remorsed.

The day you left, my mum saw the pain in her child's eyes and said, "My dear son, for all the times you've rushed yourself and things, still I saw you loved her very very much. My dear son, for all the things you've done, and for what you're going through now, is it worth it?". The very next week they sent me paid for my holiday. The things they put up with everyday and how they lived for me, I cannot even begin to describe.

The day you left I was given the opportunities to look around me and notice the wonders of life, the tears shed by the world for it's many sins, but most of all, was how under-appreciative I've been. My life has been graced with so many wonderful aspects that I had forgotten my main source of strength. Blurred by my earthly desires, drenched in my passions of the flesh I strayed. But yet He still sustained my very being day and night; till this moment.

The day you left was never easy and even now sometimes it hurts so badly knowing something beautiful would have, could have and should have been. But it was from the day you left that I learnt to turn my vengeance into new-found happiness, my pain into enlightened appreciation, my torment into a driven purpose, my hatred into forgiveness, my unwillingness to experience into imbued strength, courage and wisdom and most of all my dark heart into one who's ready yet again. It's been a year since you left babes, and the scars are there as proof that I'm hurt but without them I would have never been the man I am today. Thank you.

'We all make mistakes, and often people are judged by those mistakes. I believe the true measure of a person lies in his or her willingness to right the wrongs.'

- Denny Crane -

Day 34 : Everchanging

2007-02-12T06:29:00.000-08:00

In the face of change
Is when she turned to me and said,
"I'm not sure anymore..."

And now, amidst the waves and the cloudless skies
that'd blanket the year before,
I watch my life wash ashore.

Have you ever been a part of something
That you thought would never end,
And then of course it did?
Have you ever felt the weight inside you,
Pulling away inside your skin,
And then something had to give?

Now the lines are drawn,
Is this feeling gone?
The best parts of this have come and gone.
And now there is all this is.
With the reasons clear,
We'll spend another year
Without direction, full of fear,
But now things will be different.

There's nothing simple when it comes to you and I,
There's always something in this everchanging life,
And there probably always will.
Now that time is getting harder to come by,
The same arguments are always on our mind.
We've killed this slowly fading light.

Now the lines are drawn,Is this feeling gone?
The best parts of this have come and gone.
And now there is all this is.
With the reasons clear,
We'll spend another year
Without direction, full of fear,
But now things will be different.

Now something has kept me here too long
And you can't leave me If I'm already gone.
That says that something
Has kept me here too long
And you can't leave me
If I'm already gone.

Now that we
Make the same mistakes,
we're always hanging on.
Break those promises we're always leaning on.
All this time spent waking up.
I keep this line open to get this call from you
Speak the words
That keep me coming back to you.
Now this time it's all different.

Now something has kept me here too long
And now I'm gone...

Listen to this:
1) Rise Against - Everchanging
2) Rise Against - Roadside
3) Adibah Noor - Terlalu Istimewa
4) Rise Against - Swing Life Away
5) Rise Against - Give It All

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 33 : To The Brothers I Never Had

2007-02-12T04:49:00.000-08:00

And then I see your face,
Memories of my falls and my rise,
You’ve always been in every moment,
And I wouldn’t know where I’d be without you.

For the times I’ve done you wrong,
For the times I’ve let you down,
For the times I wasn’t there,
Forgive me, brother.

In my heart you remain,
As a brother till the end of time,
And though we’re meant to lead separate lives,
Know I hold the Faith and the Family close.

For the times we’ll be apart,
For the times we live astray,
For the times we’re giving up,
We have each other.

We’ve been fighting in the forefront,
For the longest I’ve known,
Our faith though tainted remains strong,
And may it be for all time…

For the times we'll be apart,
For the times we live astray,
For the times we're giving up,
We are Family.

Day 32 : Racing Heart. Shivering Body. Clouding Thoughts.

2007-02-08T07:34:00.000-08:00

It's one of those nights, where dreams are thought to be perfect and to brought to life.
It's one of those nights, where you close your eyes knowing the person you long to see, the person you long to be with, is right next to you...safe and sound.

I came across this song by Naff - Masih Kekasihku. The chorus went;

'Jauh di lubuk hatiku,
Masih terukir namamu,
Jauh di dasar jiwaku,
Engkau masih kekasihku'

Translated it means;

'Deep within my heart,
Your name's engraved,
Deep within my soul,
You're still my love'

Recently I have been graced with the greatest of times, my mates around, and more importantly the moments I am allowed to enjoy life. It's perfect. But this heart still wants more. It's as though an endless pit draws anything and everything that comes near it. It feels as though nothing can quench it's thirst. And the only thing I open my eyes to is knowing when I fall asleep, it's there.

And then knowing I'll be seeing her again causes;
1) The Racing Heart.
2) The Shivering Body.
3) The Clouding Thoughts.

'Take it easy,' I'm told. I FUCKING can't.

It's this time round, this final moment I've been allowed to clear all there is to clear. The pressure's on. The thoughts are endless. The emotions wavering. The temptations linger. The heart beats for 1.

My track record when it comes to holding true, has been tarnished and tainted by my bitter past. I can't have any regrets that I know, but one thing for sure, I wouldn't have done the things or said the words and not meant even one of them. For I know now the peril, and torment of being in love. To have someone change her msn address just to avoid you and you still fucking know that the person you want to be with the most is her; leaves me speechless. No words can ever describe the feelings of such. No words can come close to how the suffering taunts negativity.

I've kept it locked away by turning to the constant, work. It has come back time after time...

I don't know the repercussions of things to come, nor would I have the SOLID game plan. All I know is that if I don't get this out of the way, they'll be more posts similar to this.

........................to be continued

Listen to this:
1) Naff - Masih Kekasihku
2) Playground - Soul Mate
3) Nelly Furtado feat. Timbaland - Say It Right
4) Beyonce - Irreplaceable
5) The All American Rejects - It Ends Tonight

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 31 : For Time

2007-01-31T19:10:00.000-08:00

i was the one who could never forget her
who now stands between us
but I could never leave the comfort of your love
which has been with me all this time

please forgive me
for putting you through all this
the weight of the world dwells within
that I might leave her
and for time
that swirls beside me
please forgive me
with all of your heart
if im still allowed to choose

if only i had not met her
things would have not been this way
for you and for her to be within my heart
leaves me shattered and torn

Listen to this:
1) Sheila Majid - Lagenda
2) Ungu - Demi Waktu
3) Snow Patrol - How To Be Dead
4) Goo Goo Dolls - Let Love In
5) Padi - Menanti Sebuah Jawaban

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 30 : Deferring Emotions

2007-01-10T18:36:00.000-08:00

Somewhere inside me
Something disappears
And I try to part with
My rust-eaten anger

I'll become a bird
And fly through the crowd
Confusion will become my wings
And I'll break free of everything

These arms get longer
And become branches and stems
With what you've forgotten
I will reach to the heavens

A rhythm that has washed down
In a crowd of people
I'll make my way quickly through
Past that someone who seizes my legs

I'll become a bird
And fly through the crowd
Confusion will become my wings
And I'll break free of everything

Life
My Life
My Fragile Life
I've finally realized it

Somehow depending on the lamplight
I give a prayer to the leaning world
And my frozen heart returns me to home
Closer to you

Even if I drop my eyes of hope
My arms search for that remains,
So don't forget
I don't need your promises
I'll change even the cold nights into miracles
And I will fly to you
No matter where you are
I'll hold your anxiety that traces this silence for you
With the power not to give up

Strongly

Closer to you
With all I have
I'll change even the piling snow into wings
And I'll warm your shoulders
Until you sleep

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 29 : I missed out on Day 25

2007-01-08T22:29:00.000-08:00

Errr....with reference to the above, here's what I meant to mention in the post.

Where should I begin? With the touch of your hand or your warm embrace?
How would I know when and where this path would take me?
I've been clobbered by my past resolutions; it's impossible to know who I am.
Now this heart bleeds and beats in the grace of your palm.

Hold me another second longer,
But I guess my second chance stands no longer.
Hold me a moment let the pain leave,
But I guess you're absent from all the drama.

And if I held you close, would you know how much I am capable of?
You wouldn't know it even if I said I love you as proof,
I doubt the world would know how much I think of you everyday,
Now my heart knows and loves in your healing ray.

Hold me another second longer,
But I guess my second chance stands no longer.
Hold me a moment let the pain leave,
But I guess you're absent from all the drama.

Torn between reality and you,
Lost finding truth and love,
Burnt knowing pain and joy,
Caught between roots and wings.

Hold me another second longer,
But I guess my second chance stands no longer.
Hold me a moment let the pain leave,
But I guess you're absent from all the drama.

Listen to this:
1) Chihiro Onitsuka - Rasen
2) Dishwalla - Somewhere In The Middle
3) Incubus - Oil And Water
4) R.E.M - Everybody Hurts
5) Powderfinger - My Happiness

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 28 : Grrrrrrrr!

2007-01-03T17:25:00.000-08:00

I received a card recently and the last part went,

'p/s: It's time for some new year resolutions, eh?'

It made me think. Where do I go from here? What am I to do with this year? Will bitter occurences repeat itself? Thing is, what will I be going through this year?

Then it dawned on me, it's not about what I'm going to go through but how I am going to decide on the things that come my way. It's not about who but when. It's not about how much or how long but how hard I am willing to work. I can't and I won't have a long list of New Year resolutions to accomplish this year, but I have one;

- To give my best in all I do -

The thing is I never got to see the whole picture, at instances, focus will be directed to the wrong parts or well at least major parts of my life. What hit me the hardest was that, there is never a stage when I was happy. Solely happy because everything went well. No. Issues concerning finances, the love life, family, studies : they all did not go well at 1 point in time. It's been what I've been trying to attain for the past 8 years of my life.

Finally, after everything, I now find happiness in all I do. In all the trials and tribulations and letdowns, I see His saving light. Be it in the people around me, or the thoughts that come my way, even a simple 'Grrrrrr...!' makes my day. It's true I am dependent on people, I have to admit that, but I see this world as symbiotic. No one man is an island.

I lost love this year. TWICE!~ w00t (ok to be fair, once. second time was more of missing out on the chance of a lifetime). Amidst the heartache and fucking sorrow and thoughts of wanting to be together, I found out that if it were to work out, it will eventually. Circumstances? Timing? Obligations? Responsibilities? Loose ends? I don't know. Whatever it is, it's all good. Best part about it, the emptiness I constantly feel, is replenished by the friendships I've forged, the lost contacts I've regained and more importantly the new acquaintances I've been honored with.

This year shines brightly on 2 things.
1) Endless work
2) Uncharted waters

Be it good or bad, with His strength, courage and wisdom, I am ready.

I cannot change the fact that my heart feels cold sometimes, my scars are there as proof.
I cannot change the fact that my mind tells me things of the future, it's in me to think and plan.
I cannot change the fact that I'm old fashioned with ways; I was brought up to honor a woman's worth. ( and don't for once think that I'm fucking plan B. I can only be THE plan you conniving bitches )
I cannot change the fact that I'm bitter at times with things; like how you look out for yourself, I'm merely looking out for me.
I cannot change the fact that my life is occupied with a lot of work; I have to accomplish my dreams and pick up the responsibilities of a son.
I cannot change the fact that I visit my past too often; it was from there I gained my insights, revelations on life, attained new heights, and learnt most of all to live the moments that come by.
I cannot change the fact that my friends are important to me; they are my brothers.
I cannot change the fact that I fall over and over again; the moment you say no, is the moment I move on.

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 27 : Kau Tercipta Untukku

2006-12-22T06:06:00.000-08:00

Looking at the beautiful smile on your face,
Leaves me speechless and mesmerized,
Then I realised I was in the presence of beautiful love.
The moment you held me close.

There's so many things I can't make out,
To say to you,

But I wish you'd be by myside always,
To be present and to accompany me,
Every step of the way,
That makes me stronger,
You were made for me,
All my life.

But I wish you'd be by myside always,
To be present and to accompany me,
Every step of the way,
That makes me stronger,
You were made for me,
And though my time will come one day,
I need you to know,
I'm always yours,
To always love you,
All my life.

Listen to this:
1) Ungu - Kau Tercipta Untukku
2) Amy Search - Tiada Lagi
3) Radja - Aku Ada Karena Kau Ada
4) Seal - Kiss From A Rose
5) Utada Hikaru - Fly Me To The Moon

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Pero Me Acuerdo Ti Stardustt.

Day 26 : Guess some things change. And some things don't. I guess I'll always be the easy kill

2006-12-20T18:34:00.000-08:00

Taken from 'Jimmy Eat World - Kill'

Well, you're just across the street
Looks a mile to my feet
I want to go to you
Funny how I'm nervous still
I've always been the easy kill
I guess I always will
Could it be that everything goes 'round by chance?
Or only one way that it was always meant to be
You kill me, you always know the perfect thing to say
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away
I can picture your face well
From the bar in my hotel
I wish I'd go to you
I pick up put down the phone
Like your favorite Heatmeiser song goes
It's just like being alone
Oh God, please don't tell me this has been in vain
I need answers for what all the waiting I've done means
You kill me, you've got some nerve, but can't face your mistakes
I know what I should do, but I just can't turn away
So go on love
Leave while there's still hope for escape
Got to take what you can these days
There's so much ahead
So much regret
I know what you want to say
I know it but can't help feeling differently
I loved you, and I should have said it
But tell me just what has it ever meant
I can't help it baby, this is who I am
Sorry, but I can't just go turn off how I feel
You kill me, you build me up, but just to watch me break
I know what I should do, but I just can't walk away

Listen to this:
1) Jimmy Eat World - Kill
2) Suzanne Ciani feat. Chi Yu - Turning
3) Dishwalla - Every Little Thing
4) Sade - By Your Side
5) The Wallflowers - 6th Avenue Heartache

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 24 : Renaissance

2006-11-11T10:06:00.000-08:00

Adapted from ' Mat Kearney - Renaissance'

This is my renaissance.
This is my one response.
This is my second chance.
This is my one romance.
This is the cutting line.
On which I stand to show you.

This is my broken heart.
This is my bleeding start.
This is the way I've come to know you.
This is my winding road.
This is my way back home.
This is the narrow door you know I'll walk through.

I got to finally know why she went away
She said, "It's better this way, you knew I'll never stay."
Half empty closets and frames, left to my name,
As she left in the rain and left my heart on a chain.
Six months I've built this two-faced tower for hours on a lease,
You gave me one yellow flower that said rest in peace.
In pieces I've broken open to think too much or just enough,
Alone to trust midst the rubble or the dust.
Humbled, it took this much to break down and understand,
Spent my life this far on castles made of sand.
Tossed in the breakers in the palm of your hand,
Now I can finally stand.

I can be the one,
I heard it in a song.
And I can be the one,
I heard it in a song.

Doubt me not,
Trust instead.
Leave me not,
Faith in place.

This is my response.
This is my renaissance.
This is my second chance.
From here on forth, this you are my renaissance.

Know that every waking moment, and that till my eyes fade into the midst of dreams, know that my decision is you.

Listen to this:
1) Joshua Radin - What If You
2) Mat Kearney - Renaissance
3) James Morrison - The Last Goodbye
4) Joshua Radin - Only You
5) Rod Stewart - The Way You Look Tonight

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 23 : The Clearing Skies

2006-10-25T23:55:00.000-07:00

To everyone who came out and made this time round a memorable one, thank you.
To everyone who remembered this time round, thank you.
To everyone who showed their care, thank you.

They say the best things in life are free.
And getting a second chance from you are my wishes come true
A second chance at setting the record right.
A second chance without barriers.
A second chance at walking with you.
A second chance at knowing ;
you're the one I wake up to every morning,
and have in your eyes that gleaming burst of sunshine
you're the one I close my eyes to every night,
and have with your eyes that falling dust from the stars
A second chance at loving you.

If I had a second chance at you, this would be it.

Pero Me Acuerdo Ti.

Day 22 3/4 : 22 Things That I Wouldn't Be Getting This Birthday

2006-10-15T18:18:00.000-07:00

There's always been lists of things people want for their birthdays, things people want for Christmas. Here's my version of the list. Come to think about it, it's more realistic than that of what I might want. Now wouldn't that be a jolly occasion?

22 new shirts
21 ties
20 books on philosophy
19 days in Japan
18 outings with Erika Sawajiri
17 hours of making out
16 bottles of Export Gold/Lion Red
15 pillows to sleep on
14 new suits
13 members of the Family present at my dinner
12 cds of my favourite bands
11 cans of Lynx
10 of my favourite people in Kuching
9 days in March I wasted away
8 different cars of my own at once
7 days in the Vatican with the Pope
6 packs of Genti
5 pairs of shoes
4 seasons
3 kids of my own; Ethan, Faith & Gwen
2 honest chances
1 true love

Listen to this:
1) Matt Kearney - Won't Back Down
2) Joshua Radin - The Fear You Won't Fall
3) Playground - Corner
4) Usher - Separated
5) Will Ferrell - Afternoon Delight

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 22 1/2 : The Reciprocated Love

2006-10-12T01:17:00.000-07:00

If one had actually perused through my profile under 'the friendster' page, one might have come across my personal section of 'Who I Want To Meet'. Here's what I had to say:

- .the angel in disguise.the comfortable silence.the flawless ways.the defining moments.the inspirational encouter.the thoughtless words.the criminal actions.the perfect moments.the beautiful face.the despaired soul.the exploding smile.the pure heart.the humbled mind.the winning ways.the outrageous emotions.the outbursting laughter.the priceless possession.the unplesant sights.the complimenting music.the endless drama.the favourite drink.the dream come true.the morning face.the nocturnal darkness.the blinding light.the guiding star.the out-reaching hand.the stroke of fate.the serendipitous collision.the understanding one.the careless whisper.the falling stardust.the radiant rain.the stormy seas.the appeasing touch.the obscuring variations.the delirious character.the renewing sublimation.the rainbow's end.the eternal bond.the sparkling eyes.the limber caress.the clearing skies.the bona fide nature.the reciprocated love. -

Innit a fucking long list? It's all the compounded moments put together, all good and bad. It's what I desire most. And the last of it, entitled above, has never been the case. I personally feel that at times, I am an EDS (emo-dump-site), and without having that reciprocated; what more to can I utter a word about love? Am I being too nice? Am I being not the rascal enough? Bad boys tend to attract good girls. Issue-packed chicks tend to attract good boys. And I'm smacked right in the middle of the whole debacle. Bullocks ~ There so many and yet I only need 1. There are too many and yet I am lost in between reality and dreams. And where is she? How in the world am I to meet her when I don't even get a chance in allowing her my very best? The most intriguing part about all this, is that people are cheating on their spouses, their partners in life. (Please note that in the instance of looking, there is no harm done. Applicable to both sexes.)

For the longest time that my heart could remember,
All I could ever want was to belong.
For the darkest nights of turmoil and unending pain,
All I would only know was the sorrow.
Empty promises I've ever made,
Makes me the delirious character;
Another soul torn between my dreams,
Find my efforst nothing more that a mere stream.
Now I am but a man; only longing, still trying in attaining.
Now I am known for my ways of nothing, merely dreaming.
All this I brought upon myself, all this I carry with myself.
I write knowing the emptiness life is without love.
And my ways of living has taught me all that is planned comes from above.
That was when I saw 1 litre of tears,
and taught myself to fight my fears.
That what when I chose not to run,
And I learned to sing a song to the sun.
That was when I came across you.
My acts might not possibly come true,
And though this heart has been clouded before,
Though many have seen my tears pour,
Your smile wipes all of it away.
Your laughter clears the dark skies.
I have no idea of who you are or how you are.
And I can't possibly imagine you and I at par.
But I long to be able onday,
And when looking in your eyes, say,
That, "It's nice. Really nice to meet you finally."
That, "It's probably an infatuation but I admire you truly."
Because life is so short and we only have one to live,
Though it will be tedious and tought but for you, I'll try for all I'll give.
So thank you.
Thank you for showing me how life can be so beautiful.
For through you I see the marvel of God in His definition of beautiful.
Thank you for smiling.
Thank you for laughing.
Thank you for singing.
Thank you for crying.
Thank you for acting.
Thank you for your time.
And most of all thank you for being you.

If a life is without dreams, what point is there to that life?
If a life is without love, what happiness is there to speak of?
Yume wa anatawa.

Listen to this:
1) Joshua Radin - Someone Else's Life
2) Alanis Morrisette - Perfect
3) Brandy - Have You Ever?
4) Power Station - Na Ciu Che Yang Ba
5) Michael Buble - Home

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 22 1/4 : All Hazed Out

2006-10-03T17:38:00.000-07:00

Yes the topic spells it out. Over the past 2 months, the citizens of Kuching have been breathing particles. That's right, particles; from the constant burning and deforestation in search of new areas for plantation. This devious act, of keeping the world and it's environment greener, has definitely gone down the drain. From my personal observation, I've come to noticed that the citizens are surely feeling the effects of the haze. People are starting to cough, and those who have been sick prior to this, are falling sick once more. Everything from exercising to the desire to go to work has been affected tremendously. What I must stress here is that the morale of the citizens have plummeted.

Can we do without the burning? Can we find other means of clearing? Cost may be a huge factor of consideration here but it is by any means not the best form of lowering expenses. We are one world, we are one country, we are one people.

By being human beings with feelings, are we that inconsiderate to others and their well-being? Why isn't anything being done to ensure that the air quality in Kuching and the other places affected, improves? What did we vote for? What did we enrol ourselves to?

Surely, having to live in deteriorating conditions wasn't one of them. I want something done in making this situation improved and having this prevented from occurring in future. Since the 90's it has gone on, we have laws that restrict open burning, and I must assert, are they being enforced? If they are, I wouldn't be bothered putting up this post. Thus far, in my opinion, the actions of the authorities and that of the constitution has been dubious.

I am a proud Malaysian, and I am a proud Sarawakian. But how can I be proud of a nation who doesn't bother about the health and welfare of her natives? Yes, I must agree that it will affect the livelihood of others. We are a 'developing' nation, I agree, but this is no reason to hide behind the word 'developing'. Before we reach the status of a 'DEVELOPED' nation, we must first ensure that our people are strong enough, more crucially, healthy enough to fight for the cause : Our Vision 2020.

Let us not point our fingers at other nations. They contribute to this as well, however, until we can first settle our own issues, and provide for a better and healthier environment,

let's keep this within our beloved nation.

I say I need my fresh air.

I say I love my Kuching.

I say I love my Malaysia.

What say you?

Listen to this:

1) Nicole Nordeman - Why

2) Kaoru Amane - Stay With Me

3) Schuyler Fisk & Joshua Radin - Paperweight

4) Kaoru Amane - Taiyou no Uta

5) Remioromen - 3gatsu 9ka

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 22 : Powdered Snow

2006-09-24T04:33:00.000-07:00

Taken from 'Remioromen - Konayuki'

We always miss each other in the season of fluttering powdered snow
Though we're lost in the crowd, we're looking up at the same sky
And blown by the wind, we both feel the same chill I'm sure
I don't know everything about you
But still I found you out of a hundred million people
I have no proof, but I truly believe that
We can't spend time together without quarrelling over little things
If we can't be honest with each other, happiness and sadness are empty
If the powdered snow had made our hearts white
Would we have been able to share our loneliness?
I want to press my ear against your heart
And descend quietly into the depths where that voice leads me
Let's meet there once again I'm the one who said
I wanted us to understand each other, but just brushed the surface
When just by holding your cold hand we're connected
With eternity before it, the powdered snow seems too fragile
It stains the surface of the rough asphalt
Powdered snow, sometimes I'm unreliable and my heart is swayed
But even so I want to keep protecting you
If the powdered snow has made our hearts white
It will enfold our loneliness and return it to the sky

Another one bites the dust. 'Shiok' was great, it was perfect but I guess like the Bee Gees said in their song, nobody gets too much heaven no more.

Listen to this:
1) Remioromen - Konayuki
2) Samsons - Kutemukan Cinta
3) Bee Gees - Too Much Heaven
4) Justin Timberlake - All Over Again
5) Sister Hazel - All For You

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 21 : Kenangan Terindah

2006-09-20T05:22:00.000-07:00

Aku yang lemah tanpamu
Aku yang rentan karena
Cinta yang t'lah hilang
Darimu yang mampu menyanjungku

Selama mata terbuka
Sampai jantung tak berdetak
Selama itu pun aku mampu
Untuk mengenangmu

Darimu kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku kaulah cinta sejati

Bila yang tertulis untukku
Adalah yang terbaik untukmu
Kan kujadikan kau
Kenangan yang terindah dalam hidupku
Namun takkan mudah bagiku
Meninggalkan jejak hidupku
Yang t'lah terukir abadi
Sebagai kenangan yang terindah

Darimu kutemukan hidupku
Bagiku kaulah cinta sejati

Listen to this:
1) Samsons - Kenangan Terindah
2) Tim McGraw - Live Like You Were Dying
3) Bon Jovi - All About Loving You
4) Richard Marx - Right Here Waiting
5) Babyface - With Him

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 20 : 23

2006-09-17T02:42:00.000-07:00

Taken from 'Jimmy Eat World - 23'

I felt for sure last night
That once we said goodbye
No one else will know these lonely dreams
No one else will know that part of me
I'm still driving away
And I'm sorry every day
I won't always love these selfish things
I won't always live...
Not stopping...
It was my turn to decide
I knew this was our time
No one else will have me like you do
No one else will have me, only you
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
Amazing still it seems
I'll be 23
I won't always love what I'll never have
I won't always live in my regrets
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine
You'll sit alone forever
If you wait for the right time
What are you hoping for?
I'm here I'm now I'm ready
Holding on tight
Don't give away the end
The one thing that stays mine...

Listen to this:
1) Anggun - Snow On The Sahara
2) Utada Hikaru - Lovin' You
3) Switchfoot - On Fire (thanks Capo Mayo)
4) Reira & Yuna Ito - Endless Story (thanks Don Tom)
5) Indigo - Istimewa

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 19 : C.O.D

2006-09-10T19:10:00.000-07:00

So here we go, the infamous and I must conclude, the best drinking game in the history of mankind. Circle of Death.

The breakdown:

1) The 4 GOLDEN RULES of the game:

- NO swearing throughout the game.
- NO finger pointing during the game.
- NO calling of actual names during the game.
- NO participant is to mention the word drink. 'CONSUME' would be the word to use.

Participants practicing anything against the rules will have to drink 1 sip.

2) The game can be played either by individuals and in certain cases, if the crowd is too big, in pairs.
3) Every card depicts a certain action that has to be completed by the individual.
4) Upon completion of the game, that is with the final King, the individual who draws the card must complete the task of finishing whatever the group has set out in the beginning.
5) Teams can be set up accordingly by drawing cards from the deck. Pairing will be done according to the closest numbers, starting from the King and ending with the Ace.
6) During the games, team members will have to elect who will play the game.
7) Games are to be played one at a time. No two games can be played simultaneously.
8) For both Question Master & Chin Master, there may only be one of each at a time.

Here are the explanations of the cards.

Ace - The individual/teams drawing the card is required to drink 1 sip of the alcohol he/she has

2 to 6 - Individuals/teams drawing the card can elect other individuals/teams to drink the selected amount of sips. 2 meaning 2 sips, 3 meaning 3 sips and so forth. Sips can also be split amongst the individuals/teams playing the game.

7 - The '7' Game. Multiplications, additions, subtractions and divisions of the number 7 cannot be mentioned during the course of the game. Instead, participants are required to 'CLAP'.
Eg: 1,2,3,4,5,6,'CLAP',8,9,10,11,12,13,'CLAP'(2x7=14),15,'CLAP'(1+6=7),'CLAP'(17=contains the no.7),'CLAP'(8-1=7) and so forth.
The '7' game can also be changed to the '5' game.
Eg. 1,2,3,4,'CLAP',6,7,8,9 and so forth with the same rules applied to the game.

8 - The Toilet Card. Without this card, no participants of the game can 'chuck a piss' or 'chuck/spew/barf/puke/vomit' unless it is really necessary.

9 - The Question Master. Participants holding the card will be the Question Master until the next 9 appears. Upon the arrival of the new 9, the previous 9, if unused is considered void.

Eg: For the scenario, the Question Master will be Nicholas.
Question Master: So, Andy, is it your turn to draw a card?
Andy : Yeaps. It's my turn.
( In this case, Andy has to drink 1 sip. )
However, Andy can counter the question, if he's sober enough to think by answering:
Andy : But you're the Question Master.
( By doing so, the Question Master has to drink instead. Andy is absolved from drinking. )

Participants are also enabled an opportunity to catch the Question Master offguard:
Andy : Nicholas, are you alright to drive?
Question Master: Yeah I'm alright.
( This way the Question Master drinks a sip. )
Similar to the above, the Question Master can counter the question by saying:
Question Master: But I'm the Question Master.
( This causes Andy to drink a sip. )

10 - 'Superhero'. There are 4 super heroes in the game.
Superman, Aquaman, Catwoman and Spiderman.

Participants with the card will do a countdown, and select a superhero. The rest of the group following that of the same action as the participant with the superhero card, drinks a sip.
If there comes no one to do a similar superhero, then the process repeats itself till someone is caught.

J - Topic. Any topic under the sun. From Car brands to different shades of colours. The list is endless for this particular game and participants failing to continue the circle will have to drink 1 sip. When it comes to this game, the sky's the limit.

Q - The Chin Master. The participant with the card decides when he/she places the finger and thumb (shaped like a 'tick' mark) on their chins. Last person to do so drinks 1 sip. Rules to the Question Master are also applicable to the game.

K - The first to the third King adds however much of liquid into the 'Community Cup' preferred by choice. The person who draws the last King, will have to finish up whatever is in the 'Community Cup'. The last King also marks the end of the game.

I would like to personally thank The Basement Crew for making the game known to me and allowing me to cherish its fun.
To Team M.A.D.S & The Fookchow Family as well as JC & Co. for sharing its fun with me and also to all those who made this game beautiful.

Listen to this:
1) Tonic - You Wanted More
2) Lea Salonga & Brad Kane - We Could Be In Love
3) Gackt - Last Song
4) Greenday - When I Come Around
5) Indecent Obsession - Fixing A Broken Heart

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

*****Disclaimer*****
Individuals must first ensure that they are not designated drivers after playing the game.
Individuals must also exercise a control limit on the alcohol consumption, if it is decided by the participants to be the choice of liquid for consumption.
Participants must also exercise consideration towards other participants in the game.
No forcing of a drink to a participant should be performed while playing this game.
Please note that the game is intended only for those who can appreciate the level of fun that comes along.
It should not be played if a potential participant is skeptical of the outcome of the game.
The author of this posting holds no responsibility over the lives, injuries, incidents, accidents, happenings or any other related occurences which has, can or could happen to any individuals making a decision on their own judgment to play the game and that the author is to not sustain any liability/liabilities in terms of image, legal,reputational, financial, spiritual, emotional or physical abuse to himself or those regarded as friends by the author(eg:The Fookchow Family, The Basement Crew, Team M.A.D.S) and family members.
This game is strictly for persons above the legal drinking age in a country.

Day 18 : Your Highness (Revisited)

2006-09-07T05:44:00.000-07:00

I know I've failed you when I said I was to be there.
I know I've let you down when I said I was no other.
I'm trying to make it up to you.
And I'm giving all I can to be given another chance by you.
I'll keep seeking your forgiveness till I'm forgiven.
I'll go on being the best I can till your loving.

For the many things I couldn’t say,
For the many thoughts in my mind they stayed.

You’ve been an inspirational encounter,
A special soul with no contender,
Now tomorrow’s only moments away,
And there’s so much to learn of your flawless ways.
From the very first time it was serendipity,
Then it turned out to be more than curiosity.
For once sitting down with you became perfection.
Your defining moments makes all the attraction.
If only I knew you at a different time,
If only I knew you at a different place.
I would have went all out and not hold back,
And for now this is me not holding back.
A person crossing paths with another is destiny,
Making something out of it takes passion and creativity.
Maybe one day I’ll learn to paint a million portraits of you
Maybe some day it’ll be none other than you.
I have nothing but paper and my words,
Praying I’d see you once more; my utopian dream 3 times fold.
If only I knew you at a different time.
If only I knew you at a different place.

I wrote this because the first time I saw you, I knew you'd be the one to change my life. I've been clouded with my emotions, dithering away with my inconsistency, following only that of whim. After all that we've been through, be it just as friends, the distance, the disagreements, I realised, my heart beats for the pretty girl I've been blessed to meet, know, and more importantly learn to cherish. I'm sorry, Ploy.

Listen to this:
1) Switchfoot - On Fire
2) Lifehouse - Everything
3) Janet Jackson - Together Again
4) Craig David - Unbelievable (thanks Captain Mayo)
5) Steady & Co. - Stay Gold

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 17 : Would You?

2006-09-04T07:04:00.000-07:00

Would you hold my hand in my trembling fear of uncertainty?
Would you be the one to make my life whole again?
Would you take my worried mind and quiet its stormy thoughts?
Would you wipe my sweat when I'm down with a fever?
Would you kiss me on my forehead when I fall asleep before you?
Would you forgive me if I said the wrong words and let you down?
Would you take my heart and make it your own?
Would you blind yourself to what I am?
Would you love the person you become when you're with me?
Would you go the distance and look back only learning from the past?
Would you smile and say 'Smoke Me, I'm your nicotine from today forth'?
Would you still feel my heart beat when I am left without expressions?
Would you come down and save me from the darkest abyss?
Would you be my light when I am lost in uncharted waters?
Would you share a dream, a life, a love with non other than me?
Would you be strong when I falter?
Would you be willing to start a journey filled with the beautiful presence of 'You & Me'?
Would you still love me if we were to part from this good earth?
Would you patch my broken heart?
Would you touch my soul?
Would you share the same God as I do, the same believe, the same desire to be under His feet one day?
Would you? Would you? Would you?
I know I would.

Listen to this:
1) Ray LaMontagne - Hold You In My Arms
2) Hinder - Lips Of An Angel
3) Alanis Morrisette - Your House
4) Tom Petty & The Heartbreakers - Free Falling
5) Switchfoot - The Blues (thanks Captain Mayo for the intro)

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 16 : Top Ten

2006-07-28T09:54:00.000-07:00

It's always been about poetry and the expression of myself through them, most of it, attained from the sheer pleasure and relentless efforts of artistes in their composing of music and at the same time writing such beautiful lyrics that actually enhanced my needs and wants of writing. The list would be endless if I were to list each and every song that related so frequently to situations I've been placed in. Thus, I've listed down 10 of the best (in my opinion).

1) 3 Doors Down - Here Without You
This song was often played in the summery days of KT6652Q, my ride that got me through rain and water retention here in Kuching. Played on a tape, yes a tape, this song brought me many memories. One of the main reason it appears on the list is due to the fact that whenever I listened to it, I was with the people I knew I would miss most. My mum, dad and more importantly the Family. Capo Cheese, Capo Beans, Capo Mayo, Capo Tingy and the Don. Departing Kuching then was something I had always wanted, but at the same time I knew that a large portion of my heart remains beautifully here and this song whenever played over my lappy would round me up with them, singing to the song and when I was with them it was my way of telling them, when I was abroad that 'I'm here without you.'

2) Live - Lightning Crashes
If I were to chart out the rhythm of this song, it would start out at below the 0 line and as the song proceeds, the rhythm progressively increases. A nice blend of all the instruments played throughout the song. Each of them introduced slowly, yet so robustly constructed.The vocals of the song presents a melancholic mood to the whole tune and in some ways impulsive. Showing that from something small that might occur, a happening could eventually turn out to be an issue. I am somewhat like that. Small and tiny things do matter, and it keeps me on my toes. Trying as best as I can not to overlook such matters.

3) Silly Fools - Nai Wa Ja Ma Lor Gan
This is a thai song and as put by my good friend, Ake, the band would best be dubbed as Thailand's very own Aerosmith. This song was first introduced to me at the Basement in Dunedin, when I was acquainted to that of the illusionized and mellowed. In that stage, Raz, a key member to the entourage would play this song and I can still recall vividly, myself seeing the pagodas in Thailand. I would envision myself sitting on the trading boats by the Chao Phraya and just experiencing the tremendous beauty Thailand had to offer. The adrenaline rush acquired when the vocals carried the song from its chorus to the powerful bridge left me overwhelmed. Besides having a very solitude and inspirational mood to the song, Ake also happened to assist me in defining the meaning of the song. It simply went 'I thought you said you'd remember me.'

4) The Verve - Freshmen
Concocted with subtlety, the song is about second chances. 'Freshmen' is known to be a 1 hit wonder. On many levels it is. But this is neither here nor there. Freshmen was carved out from the youth and how it turned out to be the ruins of society. Punished for the things that they did, and for the lives taken during their course of pursuing life. It splendidly makes sense in the world today where we, citizens of this good earth would be skeptical towards those who have made wrong decisions and were made to suffer because of them. We have to face it, in life, we are not given second chances. Outcasts are made out of those who commit a sin, a crime, an act. However, religion, especially that of the Christian teachings tells us to forgive. Jesus himself gave many people second chances told them to repent and stay away from their sins. We are not Him, but if we were to act in His light, His forgiving touch, imagine how beautiful this world would be. Imagine.

5) Utada Hikaru - Eternally
I adore the song for the sole reason of believing in eternity and having faith that one day I might come across another who feels the same.
Another who would always be striving to achieve her dreams, another who would love unconditionally with another.
Another who would care, support and even when it's beyond fathom, tolerate for love and love alone.
Another who would make me laugh, another who would make me do the things I never thought I could do.
Another who would come to terms that 2 will always be stronger than 1, and like a team braced against the tempest of the world, prove that love prevails as the Guiding force.
Another who would say, 'My heart's yours, eternally.'

6) Michael Bolton - Go The Distance
Ok this may seem cheesy to a few, but I must admit, whenever in a down and very defamed situation, where all hope seems to flicker in the winter nights, this song plays perfectly. A soundtrack to 'Hercules' the Disney Production, it gives for great inspiration often found nowhere. It helps with the thoughts, "I can make it happen." "Nothing stands in my way." To be very honest no one really can provide better inspiration and thought other than oneself. It is through these rough and low times that an individual provides for definition of oneself. He or she then finds out where strength is drawn for. Mine is from the Boss above. The Triune God. Father, Son & Spirit.

7) Jewel - Foolish Games
From where I stand in terms of frequent 'wantings', games are often played and always, I am the player sidelined. I've given as much thought and love to a few individuals that I believe it was all taken for granted. I can never seem to achieve that oneness with another. When will it come together? I then realised that it wasn't the question of things coming together, rather it was the insinuating demeanors done by either side of the equation in enhancing the whole dating scenario, only to find the couple travelling in circles, achieving nothing. This does not apply to all but it has well been rubbed onto me.

8) Goo Goo Dolls - Name
We often say 'This stays with me.' But it comes to the different end of the spectrum when it comes to living up to words. The song provides for a very scandalous moment between that of two persons, coming together for a stealthy but yet enjoyable time together. Making this interesting would be the fact that ignominy would be best avoided. It speaks of what I was a long long time ago. What my actions of scandalous repartee would often lead me into sin but yet again it was something I enjoyed. I was simply subjected to whim. Whenever I reminisce on the song it would then provide for the many times the Capos mentioned of the detriments that come along with my acts and one fine day, when things were shaded and grey I ended this abuse of both parties. From these consequences I attained a different level of how things are to be. More importantly I know of how things will be and how things should be.

9) The Perishers - Sway
Now this song gives for similar circumstances I've been through time and time again. It would personally go out to Stardustt whom I've thought to be my greatest love but she proved everything was the opposite and mentioned to me that it was probably the constant time I spent with her, and how often our chats would be left me in a very euphoric state and in that state having tricks played to my mind like a lullaby.The vocals, tune and lyrics blend so maliciously it hurts to even think about the song. But it is from the song that I finally can derive what should have been said when I had no way of knowing. Well, besides her, there are others unmentioned and unopposed and maybe it's true what Stardustt mentioned, I did spend too much time with her and I got too comfortable with the fact that she was always around and having her away wasn't easy so I had to 'pop the question' and progress to a whole drama fiasco. Or maybe she was suppose to be 'the one'. Who knows. Well as the lyrics go;

"I've always been a dreamer,
I've had my head up in the clouds
Now that I'm coming down
Won't you be my solid ground?"

10) Fuel - Falls On Me
My favourite song of all time. I simply can't find the right words to express the song, so in honour of the band, Fuel, I'm posting its lyrics.

I've seen you hanging 'round
This darkness where I'm bound
And this black hole I've dug for me
And silently within with hands touching skin
The shock breaks my disease
And I can breathe

And all of your weight
And all you dream
Falls on me, it falls on me
And your beautiful sky
And the light you bring
Falls on me, it falls on me

Your faith like the pain
Draws me in again
She washes all my wounds for me
The darkness in my veins
I never could explain
And I wonder if you ever see
Will you still believe

And all of your weight
And all you dream
Falls on me, it falls on me
And your beautiful sky
And the light you bring
Falls on me, it falls on me

Am I that strong
To carry on
I might save my life
I might save our world
Would you save me?

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 15 : Sway

2006-07-25T07:09:00.000-07:00

Taken from The Perishers, "Sway"

I talk to you as to a friend
I hope that's what you've come to be
It feels as though we've made amends
Like we found a way eventually

It was you who picked the pieces up
When I was a broken soul
And then glued me back together
Returned to me what others stole

I don't wanna hurt you
I don't wanna make you sway
Like I know I've done before
I will not do it anymore
I've always been a dreamer
I've had my head among the clouds
Now that I'm coming down
Won't you be my solid ground?

I look at you and see a friend
I hope that's what you wanna be
Are we back now where it all began?
Have you finally forgiven me?

You gathered my dreams in
When they all blew away
And then tricked them back into me
You saved me I was almost dead

How often can one sway? Are they honest, will they ever be? If so where does all of it lead? Why not risk the chance? Is it so hard to want to agree? Wasn't it suppose to be the simplest decision? Will friends ever be friends again? Having grown apart, how are things to progress? Do we greet each other with a nod? Do we smile and walk on? Do we ask each other how they've been? Do we hug? Do we reminisce?

Will we sway again?

Listen to this:
1) The Perishers - Sway
2) Augustana - Only One
3) Eagles - Love Will Keep Us Alive
4) Mariah Carey feat 98 Degrees & Joe - Thank God I Found You
5) Utada Hikaru - Final Distance

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 14 : My Vested Right To Your World

2006-07-24T11:07:00.000-07:00

Diminutive actions were often spelled out;
Orotund were the thoughts and even better the elated moments they brought.
Massive outpours of affection and emotion brought to the culling of truth.
I was left only in the contention of my acts.
'Never ever again',
I mumbled countlessly in my sleep.
Containing my capricious ways was the only ramification deemed just.

Now I am like the fast disappearing sand twirled by the unruly waters.
Obvious thoughts and decisions would in fact be of actual use,
Even dragged to my mind, I still maintain to lead a life of my choice.
Love, forsake me not!

Crushes, infatuations, admirations;
Hearts I've held,
Oblivious was I to the frequent deceptions,
Only waking to an empty soul beside.

'Yonder!', they'd say.
Unfounded were the claims thus far.

Coming to see your face once again and being by you in the frailty of promises,
Heralded my world to levels both you and I could be the owners of,
Am I having to go through the immeasurable pain the word 'you' has to offer?
I am here. I am now. I am ready.

Was there ever a moment, I crossed your mind that would allow me, my vested right to your world?

Listen to this:
1) Angels & Airwaves - Valkyrie Missile
2) Taking Back Sunday - Slowdance On The Inside
3) Angels & Airwaves - Do It For Me Now
4) Taking Back Sunday - Your Disaster
5) Angels & Airwaves - The Gift

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

***Disclaimer : Intentions of the posting dated 24th July 2006, 'Day 14 : My Vested Right To Your World' were merely to be written for the sake of writing. No personal involvement of an individual influenced the judgement of the writer. Viewers discretion is greatly appreciated.

Day 13 : My Vested Right To Your Heart

2006-07-24T02:46:00.000-07:00

A distance of space and time,
Never again was I to know this I'd feel.
Gearing myself to success was the intention of mine,
Eager was I to be amongst the greatest of men.
Love; after the raspy ride was arcane.
I was to fathom, with all else it was a feeling one will have antiquated.
Nearing you released me from all the fetter.
Every moment of fear, of incompetence, of doubt you had vanished by your clandestine means.

Keeping the promise of staying true to one,
Insisting on your thoughts of confusion,
Leaping aimlessly into the uncharted waters,
Deepening faith only in that of illusionization
Acting beyond thoughts; all gave for insinuating remarks.

Oceaned by your continual deprivation of pleasures,
Neither here was I, nor there.
Guilty as charged: I fell yet again to the mixtapes played occasionally by your demeanors.

Segregated options left me having to decide,
A decision not of the faint hearted,
Nefarious would best describe the repercussions.

Soused was I in the midst of benevolence 'the friendship' shown,
Anticipation of next moves, dithering in the windless nights, left me back at ignominy.
Now all that's left are shards of my once raptured heart.

Was there ever a moment, a chance was created that I would be given my vested right to your heart?

Listen to this:
1) Steady & Co. - Only Holy Story
2) Loudermilk - Ash To Ash
3) Trespassers William - Lie In The Sound
4) Dealova - Once Dewa
5) The Weakerthans - Aside

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

***Disclaimer : Intentions of the posting dated 24th July 2006, 'Day 13 : My Vested Right To Your Heart' were merely to be written for the sake of writing. No personal involvement of an individual influenced the judgement of the writer. Viewers discretion is greatly appreciated.

Day 12 : Mixtaped

2006-07-21T03:39:00.000-07:00

Taken from Butch Walker, "Mixtape"

You say hello, inside I'm screaming I love you
You say goodnight, in my mind
I'm sleeping next to you
You drive away from my car crash of a heart
And I don't know

But you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

You talk to him, and it burns me like the sun
You talk to her, and you say that you feel like he's the one
I talk to me, but you can't hear the pain I feel
You don't know

Cause you gave me the best mixtape I have
And even all the sad songs ain't so sad
I only wish that there was more than that
About me and you

Oh, don't turn around and say bye again
Yeah it crushes my head when you call me
Your friend and I'm not the same person
From back in the day in the back of the class
That you thought was gay
No I can't find the words cause I lost them
The minute they fell out of my mouth
And it's love and I'm in it, so give me your lips
And just let me kiss 'em
And let's get messed up and listen to probably...

The best mixtape I have
And even all the bad songs ain't so bad
I just wish there was so much more than that
About me and you

I've been mixtaped. All over again.

Listen to this:
1) Keith Urban - Tonight I Wanna Cry
2) Tracy Chapman - The Promise
3) Trespassers William - Far Too Far
4) Matt Ponn Pa - Champagne Supernova
5) Josh Rouse - Sad Eyes

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 11 : Finally

2006-07-14T03:28:00.000-07:00

Another year has passed me so quickly since the last time I decided to tell her how much I would like to be a part of her life. It was entitled ‘Home’, thus making her my new home. A home I would return to everyday to hold tight, to kiss, a home I’ll learn to love. In actual fact I did, and it was probably one of the greatest times I had in a while. She was my ‘first’ and to have a cycle end with the first girl you thought you’d spend your entire life loving, is having been given another chance. Having been told, the moment you’ve been waiting for as long as your teenage life, add to that your adult life, and is here and now.

Matters were left as they were after I told her how I felt, as I was away, I sent her a clip of myself flipping notes, each one bringing her closer and closer to my point, telling her how much of a privilege it would be to have her in this broken heart.

Her response, “I don’t know what to say.”

Love to her was about repayment, and she didn’t know how to ‘repay’ that love or feelings I’ve placed out. I was in a certain state of dismay for a while, but luckily enough for me; I had shoulders to cry on. I came home, with my main intentions accomplished and I was here to face my past. She was part of that past, a past I knew I couldn’t share with.

I only came to finding her in my arms and watching her sleep probably the next best thing. That was short-lived. I dwelled in the darkness for quite a while. It was the trip to KL, being with the Don and having one of the best Captains around. I do not doubt the fact that at times I was very much bothered about the whole circumstance and how she wouldn’t let me in all the way. That probably was most hurtful.

This all ended, and I’m glad to admit that having the Don around, two of my best men beside me made all the difference. Looking back I now can best reflect on the moments where my family and all of the Familia were there night and day.

They made the cake great. Knowing I could start my career at a new place makes the cake filled with fresh-picked strawberries. Having to be almost certain, that I’ll be able to see beauty once more, tops this great cake with all the icing, cream, and condiments.

Finally-after all the complaints, all the tears, and the sleepless nights, I can look to live fully again and have the restraints I had for the past 4 months removed.
Finally – Freedom once more.

I’ll remember this moment, I’m going to cherish it and when I’m thrown with a down in future, I’ll be able to look back and know moments like these provide for definition.

Listen to this:
1) Augustana – Boston
2) James William Hindle – Love You More
3) The Replacements – Here Comes A Regular
4) Strays Don’t Sleep – For Blue Skies
5) The Fray – How To Save A Life

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 10 : Faith

2006-07-13T04:00:00.000-07:00

To the singled ones, enjoying the life not committed, yet hoping to find true love.
To the couples, moments angered time and time again but trust prevailing at the end.
To the newly weds, to your confusing yet so immaculate institution of marriage.
To the folklore of love, time passes you by but your belief in love rises to the occasion then and now, always and forever.

‘Remember tonight for it is the beginning of always.
A Promise;
Like a reward for persisting through life so long alone.
To believe in each other and the possibility of love,
A decision to ignore and simply rise above the pain of the past,
A covenant which it once binds two souls and yet severs prior ties,
A celebration of the chance taken and the challenge that lies ahead,
For two will always be stronger than one, like a team braced against the tempest of the
world.
And love will always be the guiding force in our lives.
For tonight is mere formality, only an announcement to the world of feelings long held,
Promises made long ago in the sacred places of our hearts.’

Listen to this:
1) Butch Walker – Mixtape
2) Jimmy Eat World – 23
3) Iron & Wine – He Lays In The Reins
4) The Perishers – Pills
5) Ryan Adams – Now That You’re Gone

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 9 : Self Anonymity

2006-07-06T04:27:00.000-07:00

'To be anyone but yourself,
in a world that's doing it's best day and night ,
to make you anyone else
means fighting the hardest battle'

- John Steinbeck -

Here I stand present before all I love, all I cherish. To tell you that I don't feel pressured in the midst of your companionship means that I'd be lying not only to myself but also to you, my dear Captains. Pressured that I might one day experience what you already have, what I should have. One day is what they have always said, some day.

It is also in your midst I find myself. I have shared everything with you. Bared my soul and even if I had to bleed, my blood will be the first to spill. In a very similar sense, this scenario provides for me the 'Roots and Wings' dilemma that I constantly have to deal with. It has been beautiful, and most certainly at every other point I am certain it will be, if not better. Just know that day and night I am battling to maintain myself, my composure and all of me, in love for the Family and in likeness of myself.

I do ask for your forgiveness that at times, it seems I may lose the right pursuants but be assured that my path will return to its authenticity and if it doesn't then it will be for the brighter of days and I ensure you my ramifications will be justified accordingly. It is through the benevolence and patience of the Family that God has so graciously put in my life that I am able to climb up and out of the abyss I throw myself so constantly into. The stupor state is removed, the ambiguity cleared, the love shone, the scintillating pride felt.

My scandalous repartee of choices have been sickening. For all those I've let down, I pray and hope you are not in ambivalence of my character. I thank you for being around, I thank you for accepting my defaults, and the defaults I might have along the way. I am proud to be part of your lives and I say this here and now, my position on the Family was, is and will always be adamant on growth, heart, brotherhood, loyalty, trust and above all else God.

Viva! Viva! Viva! Viva La Familia!

Listen to this:

1) Trent Dabbs - True Love Goes
2) Chris Holmes - Chine
3) Damien Rice - Delicate
4) The Corrs & Alejandro Sanz - The Hardest Day
5) Bell X1 - Eve, The Apple of My Eye

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 8 : Maybe One Day

2006-07-04T21:56:00.000-07:00

And so I said in the middle of a warm summer night,
How I felt and still feel so right,
Of your face and how you are,
And how you and I have come to par.

But how your heart seeks not,
How your heart beats not,
For the same reason mine beats for you,
Tells me, “There goes another so true.”

I looked upon the skies,
Of the blue and the white,
How they coexisted so perfectly without tries,
Your face pictured amongst the fairest of men’s pride.

Knowing it would be profoundly inspiring,
To have you as more than a solace and comfort,
It was because I enjoyed the way I’d smile
Knowing my happiness, you brought.

Maybe one day I said.
Maybe one day you said.
We’d be great for each other.
I guess ‘we’ to you was never.

Listen to this:
1) Collective Soul – Run
2) Two Hours Traffic – Pretender
3) Aerosmith – Cryin’
4) Indra Lesmana – Saat Yang Terindah
5) Electric President – Insomnia

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream

Day 7 : If You Leave

2006-07-02T04:11:00.001-07:00

If you leave, don't leave now
Please don't take my heart away
Promise me just one more night
Then we'll go our separate ways
We always had time on our sides
Now it's fading fast
Every second every moment
We've gotta make it last

I touch you once,
I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd still be friends someday

If you leave, I won't cry
I won't waste a single day
But if you leave, don't look back
I'll be running the other way
Seven years went under the bridge
Like time was standing still
Heaven knows what happens now
You've gotta say you will

I touch you once, I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd meet again someday

I touch you once I touch you twice
I won't let go at any price
I need you now like I needed you then
You always said we'd meet again someday

If you leave if you leave
Don't look back
Don't look back

Listen to this:
1) Dan Wilson & Bic Runga – Good Morning Baby
2) Zed – Starlight
3) Save Ferris – Let Me In
4) Bonnie Raitt – I Can’t Make You Love Me
5) Corrine Bailey Rae – Butterfly

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 6 : The Goodbye

2006-06-29T03:53:00.000-07:00

She came to me in the night,
And I started to shed my light,
I told her I’ll take the darkness away,
And I’ll be here night and day.

I wasn’t clear as to how she would be,
The glory of her face shone as though on me.
Days went by; weeks brought me closer.
Till it came to me her intentions neither;
Lover nor foe.
A friend was I from head to toe.

She departs soon into the mist,
And memoirs of my thoughts and feelings,
Will be strewn across the skies whilst;
I turn to another in hopes of healing.

Farewell I bid you.

Listen to this:
1) Padi – Semua Tak Sama
2) John Mayer – Clarity
3) Chris Holmes – Friends
4) Jennifer Love Hewitt – Take My Heart Back
5) Rachel Yamagata – The Reason Why

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 5 : Love Investing

2006-06-29T03:46:00.000-07:00

It began with the reminiscence of the past, I was reminded of how I used to feel for the ladies I was either infatuated by or liked. It all seemed that time after time I fell for women who had their hearts taken, their dreams already shared and their love held by another’s hand.

It’s like investments. The girls I go after dare not risk letting go of what they are already holding on to. Risk aversion plays a determinable role in their selection. I have no one to blame for the circumstance for if I were in their part I wouldn’t say I’d do it. Girls being the investors, and guys being the stocks, would provide for a better understanding.

In this light, investors having to own their stocks would preferably maintain their current ‘value’ stock, which pays out dividends and provides for greater returns. ‘Growth stocks’ (i.e. me that is) would defer from those attributes of the value stocks. As growth stocks are generally new to the market, they do not provide for the dividends and payouts. Investors who often see growth stocks are reluctant, with one thing in mind; the possibility for future earnings. Maintaining a stock in the current market is already hard enough, what more to say to discard the stock completely and jump into something new altogether.

However, growth stocks do provide also for future earnings. Not anytime in the near future, but one cannot be certain of how a growth stock might perform in current market conditions. Unsystematic risks often outside the control of investors would be playing a major role in ensuring the performance of a stock. This is an area which could eventually souse an investor in losses.

On the other end of the spectrum, growth stocks, if given the proper maintenance and right investments along with a proper diversified portfolio could perform beyond the expectations of investors. Remarkably too I must concur.

When all this is drawn down, it comes down to how credible an IPO can be, and how risk averse an investor is. As risks escalates so does the returns. The concept is applicable to the IPO’s as well for when an IPO is carefully drawn out and provides for the ramifications an investor might require, ambiguity is removed. Maintenance of the investor-company (the company which made the initial IPO) relationship is vital. There will always be someone who losses and someone who wins in every situation. Tolerance and patience determines how successful both investor and stock will be.

And when all this comes to love investing, the ideal ingredient is love itself.

Listen to this:
1) Rooster – Deep and Meaningless
2) Lou Barlow – Legendary
3) Staind – Right Here
4) Ben Jelen – Come On
5) Bernard Fanning – Shelter For My Soul

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 4 : Secret Love

2006-06-27T07:36:00.000-07:00

I hid my love when young till I
Couldn’t bear the buzzing of a fly;
I hid my life to my despite
Till I could not bear to look at light:
I dare not gaze upon her face
But left her memory in each place;
Where’er I saw a wild flower lie
I kissed and bade my love good-bye.

I met her in the greenest dells,
Where dewdrops pearl the wood bluebells;
The lost breeze kissed her dark brown eye,
The bee kissed and went singing bye,
A sunbeam found a passage there,
A gold chain round her neck so fair;
As secret as the wild bee’s song
She lay there all the holiday long.

I hid my love in field and town
Till e’en the breeze would knock me down;
The bees seemed singing ballads o’er,
The fly’s bass turned a lion’s roar;
And even silence found a tongue,
To haunt me all summer long;
The riddle nature could not prove
Was nothing else but secret love.

Secret Love – John Clarke

Listen to this:
1) Pink Floyd – Wish You Were Here
2) Rie Fu – Life Is A Boat
3) Brooke Fraser – Arithmetic
4) Brian McFadden & Delta Goodrem – Almost Here
5) Building 429 – No One Else Knows

You will remain as my secret love, without knowledge of anyone. I will miss your fair lips and you being so self-absorbing. Maybe it’s been complacency, maybe it’s been true. The most difficult part is not being able to tell you. But I know I don’t want to dither no more.

In spite of my wishes to explain myself and to want to believe in the expression of words I must say this: ‘Language has not the power to speak what love indites: The soul lies buried in the ink that writes.’

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 3 : Living Symbiotically

2006-06-26T05:53:00.000-07:00

Today’s world puts forth the harsh reality often expressed by the saying, “The rich gets richer, and the poor gets poorer.” Observations thus far if I may be as bold as to say have not taken us anywhere in spite of all the ‘chats’ to reduce disparities amongst the citizens of today. Each nation works for its own and in its own light, always putting a national interest as its first priority.

We as the people, often comforted by the thought of our governments making the best decisions haven’t in actual fact grasped the bigger picture, being our world living symbiotically with each other. Asian countries have boomed over the past two decades making immense progress in all areas and at the same time having to ensure that social and economical growth remains constant to the growth. But as much as this has been productivity, it still lacks the extra edge in making several nations in Asia, first world countries. African nations, lack the funding and support ever since day 1. First world countries speak of assisting them in their efforts to curb the spread of diseases, to increase the standard of living but time and time again, news presents to us that these have only increased by a mere level. Conditions have never been more alarming.

The relentless efforts provided by first world nations in assisting the growth is not taken for granted, however, other nations should make it their nation’s interest as well. As it is, our world today has not been more fragile than it already is. A continuum of the drama fiesta occurs in the Middle East, the poverty amongst the third world countries making little progress, the social and cultural preferences causing all the division amongst ourselves, happen to be the slightest of exposition. And I haven’t even breached the many other issues we throw at ourselves so inexorably.

Can we not put our differences aside, leave history and the past to its own demeanor? Why not look forward? Leave the war, leave the killing. Enough damage has already been done. Think about the lives of all those who’s loved ones have been taken away from them, much too sooner. We, in Malaysia, are particularly lucky and blessed to not have these bitter occurrences displayed amongst us. It also doesn’t mean we should be complacent with our daily lives and live in ignorance.

I do not doubt the budget allocation of a nation for its defenses against the terror that might and could happen, however, to allocate a budget in the creation of weapons of mass destruction directed towards another, that I cannot and will not tolerate. Drawn down to the basis of matters, weapons were used to fight against enemies. The real question of our demeanor when ever a weapon or a decision to use a weapon is pondered upon should not be of what the opposition has done but rather who the real enemies are in the situation? Do these enemies really pose a threat to us? They too remain human and like us have feelings of defending their perceptions. But let’s try something new, let’s disarm ourselves and come to the bargaining table without prejudice without prejudgment. And for one, terrorism should not be made an overstatement as constantly as it has been over the past few years.

Religion no matter of what sort, teaches us to maintain peace among not only our own people of faith but that of others as well. Why is it so difficult to work on the commonalities? Where are the transparencies so frequently spoken about? The core of our beliefs has taken us that far, why not work at it? More importantly live it. I salute all those who have been working for the common good of the world, for the importance of lives and not the decisions to take them away. Your tireless efforts have not gone to waste, for alongside many others for fight for peace in their different ways; I too take notice and am proud to express my gratitude to you and make statements in the light of your works.

Good people of the world, as I have mentioned our world is fragile, no one man is above the rest. We are a world living in desperate times, and as much as desperate times would normally require the conduct of desperate measures, we should always remember to first reach out for peace and have peace being the only matter on our minds. As much as this is easy to say and difficult to do, we should always, always never give up on our hopes. Have faith in the faithless for it brings out the best in people. If life itself was ever easy none of these issues we have today would ever be brought up. A utopia would have already existed. Reality tells us no, so we dear readers, and most crucial of all, citizens of the world should make it our personal agenda in growing and living in the light of peace.

With peace on our minds, hopes persistent in our beings, faith imbued in us, and finally the love of our neighbors shown through our actions and our lives, maybe then can we truly enjoy the symbiotic progress, as people of this good earth, we are in so dire need of.

Listen to this:
1) Goo Goo Dolls – Better Days
2) Building 429 – The Space In Between Us
3) Carrie Underwood – Whenever You Remember
4) Jars of Clay – The Eleventh Hour
5) Natalie Grant – Held

Your actions remain so confusingly advertised. I have no idea as to whether I should or could have these feelings continual, but the subject matter I believe, shouldn’t be about my feelings but rather yours. So drawn am I to this attraction it causes an endless progression of hoping, thus I shall go on and dedicate the song ‘If You Leave’ for your thoughts and listening pleasure.

I’m going with it, for I’ve learnt over the past few weeks, you’re a great girl, and though at times a little self-absorbing, I’ll only be an extra burden and I’ve been fooling myself thinking this would be easy. But who knows maybe one day we’ll be perfect for each other.

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.

Day 2 : Premeditated Delirium

2006-06-25T10:21:00.000-07:00

How are things so blatant and at the same time so confusing? Pretext of my words have often caused myself to be placed in positions I've agreed not to be in, well at least for the next few years, to my recollection that is. However, the fact of wanting and needing often fills me constantly. The dire proclivities have never left me thus far.

Maybe it's a day in day out scenario, when you meet the person countless times, there it creates a particular comfort between the two persons. This progresses on to having thoughts about certain futures, the complicating part, having to picture the person in it, beautifully. Maybe it's a guy thing, I for one am not sure about how often these occurences happen around the world, but I feel as though I'd like to have the feeling reciprocated, and the worst part about it, is that I think it is. Actions on both parts takes me so eloquently to these thoughts, these futures seen only through my eyes.

Time and time again, I question my acts, I question my thoughts. Are they erroneous? How am I not being able to control these influx of feelings? Are they true feelings? Or is it all just friendly banter? Would things progress?

I have been throwing myself at the wrong 'right ones' one too many times. Hurt, either through my own proceedings or by cause of 'the right one'. As difficult as it may seem, I am truly glad that I've managed to pull through after all this time. But then again, would it be the simple fact that I've been deprived of the chances that would come prior to companionship? I strongly do not believe that I falter too fast, or choose the wrong people. Time and time again, circumstances have always been my arch-enemy. You search for the exact opportune moment, time it, go with it, chances are things always work out. Not in my scenario.

You know, my dear readers, the hardest part about it is that, I feel prohibited. After all that I've said and done, in many ways I've construed myself to a prison. People would always have to say and I would admit, that my expectations have hit the roof. It's never a trivial matter seeing someone you have feelings for come and go, you want to care for her, but you don't know if she would want that. 'Friendship' draws a thin line.

I would never know if I would be the eventual winner if I perservere through the times and be patient with this someone, having circumstance alongside, but I sincerely and honestly can only hope and have faith that the Good Lord grants me grace and the strength, and most crucial of all to have love generated for the right reasons. I'd pray these premeditated deliriums be not a part of me.

Listen to this:
1) John Mayer - Comfortable
2) Fuel - Falls On Me
3) Lenny Kravits - Again
4) Nada Surf - If You Leave
5) Ben Harper - Waiting On An Angel

You stay beautiful Kuching. Live your dreams.

Day 1: Roots and Wings defined

2006-06-24T03:52:00.000-07:00

Ah yes, the first of many postings that I'll make. And to the dearest of my readers, this initiates the second blog of mine.But allow me to first speak of the title, "Roots and Wings".

In our daily lives we are given choices, choices which we sometimes abuse, choices which we sometimes take for granted, choices which at times lifts us up. More importantly in this context,would be that our decisions on the choices we make come with consequences. Some allowing us smooth sailing all throughout the horizon, and some difficult to swallow spiked on every end. I may be stating the obvious, but as previously mentioned, the choices we make are often made an overstatement.

Roots and Wings presents a phase in my life I am going through. While I was in Dunedin, I happened to come to terms with missing home, my friends and more importantly bringing me to a different level of understanding the surreal and then coming to face the brutal and bitter side of reality.

My roots are here in Kuching, the beautiful city where I've learn to love, appreciate, hate, but more importantly had memories in. Coming home was probably one of my greatest achievements, where I can finally stand up to what I want what I left behind so immaturely. After all this time of dodging the harsh reality of my actions, I'm here to face them and I must add it was never in my intentions to return. New Zealand was to be my home, my new sanctuary. Life, I thought, was about starting anew, Dunedin was my focal point of starting anew. This would then lead on to my wings, and in Dunedin, I was brought to realisation that I could actually make my dreams come true. The birth of my wings was beyond reasonable doubt, and thus the new stage in life and a new dilemma, a choice between that of the roots or the wings. One cannot have both, one must make a choice. What makes me tremble, and stirs my gut is not so much the choice but rather the consequences and having to ask myself every moment, "Why the decision?".

We have no means of knowing what the future may present to us, but what we can do is make the best decisions possible with the information at hand.

As frivolous as it may seem to some, this blog provides me with a channel of expression and thoughts, like how millions are doing. It allows freedom beyond boundaries, something not quite applicable especially in a developing nation, Malaysia.

Listen to this
1) Jimmy Eat World - Hear You Me
2) Live - Lightning Crashes
3) Evanescence - Breathe No More
4) Rihanna - Unfaithful
5) Coldplay - Sparks

I leave this post with one thing on my mind at present. How long it'll linger, I don't know, how fast will it go away, I cannot control - Angeline. You clear and present, the rest undefined, and if I were to state further, things would be bias.

Stay beautiful Kuching. Live every dream.